The Land of Milk and Honey
Photo of a large, hollowed out tree trunk lying on a muddy floor with trees and ferns behind. The hollow opening of the log looks like a mouth, and some sawn-off smaller boughs look like the eyes and horns of a cow. The bark is missing on the top, so it is golden brown against the darker brown of the rest of the log.
This is Rose, she is related to Deadloggosaurus, but is a much more modern descendant. She’s also considerably more benevolent than Deadloggosaurus, and is actually the gateway to the Land of Milk and Honey. You can find her on Holmbury Hill.
The way to gain entrance is to present Rose with a jar of honey. If your offering is deemed acceptably delicious enough (tip: only present her with raw, organic, glyphosate-free honey), you will magically get pulled through to the other side. Don’t worry if you think you won’t fit through her gateway mouth, the magic will take care of that. You won’t get a scratch or a splinter, I swear.
You should know that it’s only worth bothering to have this adventure if you are a dairy lover, as literally everything on the other side is made of it. Mountains of Stilton, sofas of brie, fountains of chocolate milk, etc., etc. Be aware that it is considered rude to eat the environment as the bees have sustainably farmed it. They will serve it to you in one of their many restaurants located throughout the Land.
When you arrive at a restaurant which takes your fancy, you should present the bees with your gift of honey. It is quite helpful (to your appetite) if you present the bees with multiple different types of (raw, organic, glyphosate-free) honey as they will appreciate it and go above and beyond in terms of service. When I went, I took 23 different types of honey from all over the world and I was rewarded with an international selection of cheeses from a variety of mammals, including those I had never heard of.
After my magnificent meal, I got taken on a punt down Milk River through Bee Town, in a cable car up Clover Mountain, a zip line through Roquefort Forest, and then, finally, a luxury spa package at the twin towns of Ricotta and Burrata. My skin has never looked so good! Much like when you are at a Russian banya, I got beaten by a thousand tiny wings of the Parenie Fly in the sauna, and later, relaxed in steam rooms abundant with the fragrance of heather and orange blossom. Spa aficionados will be heartened to know that there was a plunge pool and it was made of ice cream.
This experience was one of the many reasons my newsletter is called 10,000 Delights. It was genuinely one of the real perks and blessings of being a Nature Reporter and it is my absolute pleasure to report on it for you. Do not let your lactose intolerance put you off visiting, as the magical bees take care of that. No bubble guts or disaster pants happen in the Land of Milk and Honey, of this I swear an oath to you.
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