Tree crisps
Close up photo of a fallen tree trunk with rows of dried up fungi which are curled like crisps.
These are called tree crisps and are a very rare find indeed. In fact, they’re so rare that I had to consult my Woodland Trust app to even know what they are. According to the app, tree crisps (or arbores calamistratus to use their proper name) generally taste of salt and vinegar. However, there are some varieties growing in the West Country which taste like prawn cocktail, and in extremely rare occasions in the Highlands and Islands of Scotland, you may find tomato ketchup flavoured ones. I don’t know about that though, it sounds a bit far fetched to me, but then again, so does deep frying a pizza.
The reason tree crisps are so rare is because they only appear to hungry travellers who habitually kiss trees. I wasn’t actually hungry as it goes: the tree mistook my fannying about taking random photos of Serious Pig rosemary cheese balls as a sign of hunger. I explained to the tree that their crisps are too high in lignin for me, and that I am more of a carnivore. The tree was quite sad about that, as it is considered rude to turn down a tree’s offering, but what can I do? My microbiome’s different now!
Anyway, if you go to Puttenham Common, you might still find the crisps there. A tree can’t ungrow them once they’ve been offered, so they remain available for any and all who pass by. Best hurry though, as deer and rabbits are quite partial to spot of tree crisps as some early morning roughage. To conclude, I would also like to say: no liability, okay?
Listen to me read this report: