The Three Teasels
Photo of three teasel heads with some golden, wintery grass. In the background is a row of trees and then a gap before a solitary oak with its twisted, leafless boughs. The sky is overcast.
These are The Three Teasels, they’re anxious for your song request. Individually they’re called Fiona, Bottombubs, and Nibs, but most people just refer to them in the collective. In the background is Frederico the Oak, who was once hit by some lightning and from whom The Three Teasels draw their power.
The Tree Teasels absolutely love to sing. In particular, they like to perform love songs; they’re keen to understand human romance, since it’s mostly absent from the plant world. I say mostly, but of course you will expect me to whip out some exception from the knowledge of whoever the fuck it is that dictates these stories to me. (It’s sunflowers, just in case you were wondering; the exception I mean, not the dictator.)
Anyway, what The Three Teasels love the most about love songs is the wide variety. They feel learning and truly feeling the array of love songs gives them the best insight into human emotions. Misery is just misery, but love comes in all types: unrequited, forbidden, passionate, reliable, consummated, mismatched, unconventional, traditional, imagined, and all the things in between.
When I walked by, they happened be rehearsing Jeff Buckley’s Lover you should have come over. I say happened, but I’m pretty sure it was no coincidence as everyone knows that’s my favourite love song ever. Personally, I just think they were trying to attract my attention so they could receive some press. Well congratulations, The Three Teasels, here’s your direct line to the lovers of the world. Say what you wish!
The Three Teasels want you to know that they don’t charge for a song, but do appreciate a tip of some compost or well-rotted manure. Mainly, they’re just in it for the feels and so welcome a diverse assortment of lovers to come and request their favourite song. It was a slow day when I visited, so I actually got my top three performed: as well as the Jeff Buckley song, I heard them sing Aretha Franklin’s Respect, and D’Angelo’s Shit, Damn, Motherfucker. It really was a great day for me!
They are conveniently close to West Horsley Place in East Horsley, which apparently charges £5,000-14,000 for a wedding. My personal opinion is that you could pay that exorbitant sum, and likely get some inferior covers band, mediocre DJ, or chamber music for your troubles. Or, you could go profess some wild and eternal promise-making love for free up on Sheepleas, and then go and get an all-night lovers disco from the The Three Teasels, all for the price of a good bag of compost. The choice is clear to me.