The first time I saw Isobel it was raining and I had been walking for a good few miles through the North Downs. I saw a small, appealing clearing in amongst some beech trees in Bagden Wood, so I left the path and sat on a stump in the middle of the clearing. The canopy of the beech trees sheltered me from the rain, so I was able to settle down and stare off into the half-focused distance. I felt comfortable there, despite the rain; I was quiet and content. At first I thought it was the clearing itself which called to me, and it was in a way. There was a veil which hovered behind the colours of the green and yellowing leaves above me, the carpet of auburn beech nuts and old leaves below me, and the glistening blackness of the trees’ bark encircling me. I could feel parts
People have generally heard of the Loch Ness monster, but have you ever seen it? Unlikely. I once sat at the shores of the loch for ages, willing old Nessie to surface – not a thing, nowt, nothing. In contrast, very few people have heard of the legend of Stick Ness, which is a shame as there are in fact a Greater and a Lesser Stick Ness, both of whom are open to discovery. Greater and Lesser Stick Ness are found in a particularly lovely corner of Kent, on the North Downs Way between Wye and Folkestone. I won’t bother giving you the precise OS grid reference, as Stick Nesses often migrate to other places. However, they assured me that they don’t stray far from that particular stretch of the North Downs Way, as it is one of the most loveliest in Kent. For instance, the views over Postling from this
This is Pigment 532, or Sun Ra Yellow, the characteristic colour of Thelemic painting philosophy. It is the colour of the sun when seen through a blanket of ayahuasca mixed with cannabis tea and a shot of absinthe. It is principally found on a railway bridge in Harbourland, Kent, just off the North Downs Way, but can also be found in smaller quantities in similar locations throughout the island. Pigment 532 disguises itself as a lichen, but those of us who have read Alistair Crowley’s Book of Colour Law will recognise the characteristic striation of the external ring of the yellow bloom. Due to the power, potency, and rarity of Pigment 532, it is not permitted for any one person to take more than 5 scrapes (equal to 1 gram) of the pigment at any time. I did not take any as I am crap at painting, but if you were
This hub of activity is called the Crack of the Beech. It’s an on-tree marketplace of ideas where the insects of Charing go to plan for all the futures they can imagine. If you try to imagine one of those futures, that will make one more they have to plan for, so try to make it an interesting, insect-friendly one, okay? Anyway, the Crack of the Beech. To be honest, I was quite surprised by how busy it was, which shows the kinds of prejudices I have about insect life. I moved that stick because why not? I was just a stick! (My apologies to Stick Nation.) Well, why not is because it was actually a ceiling under which a highly important insect meeting was occurring. That big fat beige louse is a security guard called Tom; if you look closely, you can see he’s shaking a tiny little fist at me.
This is one of the places dogs go to receive instructions. People say it’s cats who have ulterior motives, but it’s not, it’s dogs. Not that the dogs’ ulterior motives are bad, mind—I’d never be so slanderous as those who talk shit about cats—but you should know that they are here for more than head rubs, ball fetching, stick carrying, inappropriate chewing, and cuddles. This is a true and verifiable fact. As you can see from this extremely rare photo, this Labrador Retriever is in the midst of communion with the Winds of the Pond. If you are a dog, the Winds exert a strong pull on your soul and cause you to enter the water in order for the being within to attach nodes to your paws through which it provides you with instructions. The Winds of the Pond are actually aliens. I’m not sure exactly when they arrived here